The Light at the end of the Tunnel...oy!

What's with the light at the end of the tunnel anyway? You know, the one that seems to continually move forward as you take a few steps toward it and a million steps back.  The one that you wrack your brain about when you hope and pray the end of this horrible mess will be over soon. The one that one day seems to be getting closer then...BAM...the poop hits the fan.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately.  How does this frustrating light work and why does it seem to turn off multiple times. It's like it is teasing me. Who is messing with the switch!

Then it hit me.

TON...OF...BRICKS type hit.

KNOCK.THE.WIND out of me hit.

Why in the world am I waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel??! Yes, I want this mess to be over and I am worn out by the barrage of hits that never end. But why the light? What am I waiting for?

I am yearning for peace and rest. My heart cries out for stillness and calm. This week I was pummeled once again. And the light at the end of the tunnel seemed to change...

It was as if a light switch had indeed been turned on and it was illuminating my whole world.

I am in the Light that I have longed for because I am in the presence of the Almighty King. Jesus, my God, my Savior IS THAT LIGHT. I don't have to wait for the struggle to be over to experience that peace, rest, stillness, and calm that I think the light at the end of the tunnel brings. I don't have to wait for the END!

Yes I pray that my pain will be over, and soon, but I don't want to miss what God is doing in the pain. I don't want to miss His constant provision. I don't want to miss the peace, rest, stillness and calm He freely gives. If I focus only on the end, I miss what He is doing everyday He allows me to be on earth.

John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

We will have pain and sorrow. There will be times of great joy and great sadness. But we DON'T HAVE to wait for the light at the end to breath.

So goodbye light and...hello Light.

NAKED...

Naked….Naked…NAKED!

Yep I said it.

Naked…nude…buff…nakie…bare…birthday suit...

Many names for it, one very common reaction…ugh.

I want to tell you to STOP!

You are beautiful, radiant, gorgeous, alluring, dazzling, stunning…You have been handcrafted by the Almighty God and you are exquisite.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made” Psalm 139:14a

Why do we do this to ourselves? We stand in front of the mirror and start poking, prodding, lifting, and wishing. What would it look like if I lifted a little bit here, tucked a little bit there, totally cut that off, increased that a bit, smoothed that, straightened this, etc.

Do you remember that you are one-of-a-kind and that is incredible! Absolutely incredible. Do you remember that God knew you before you were born? He, Perfect Creator, put you together the way He wanted.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew^[a] you” Jeremiah 1:5

“For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” Psalm 139:13

Do you remember that God doesn’t make mistakes?

“your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14b

Are you prepared to look at God and say, “you didn’t do a good enough job.”

That is what we do, that is what I do every time I look in that mirror and hate what I see. I don’t like my body. There are parts I tolerate, some I kinda think are ok, and most I loathe. 

Okay, look in the mirror….go do it…I did it…do it….DO IT!

Tell God you don’t like your body, tell Him you are tired of it, tell Him you hate it, tell Him all of it. He can take it.

Now, stop….okay stop…STOP (this is not meant to be continued bashing of yourself)

Take a deep breath and inhale His Glorious Magnificent Presence, exhale the pain. Close your eyes and feel 

His strong embrace hold you. Rest in Him as He takes His beautiful creation into His arms and whispers “you are gorgeous.”

Let Him speak to you. Don’t try to talk over Him. You have given Him your grief. Let Him fill you with His love.

Now, leave those feelings with Him, at the cross. Dump out the bags of self-hate, poor self-esteem, yucky feelings…leave it there.

DON’T LOOK BACK.

He has taken it.

Now, look in the mirror again…

Look at yourself and say “I am beautiful. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I have been created by a perfect God and He does not make mistakes.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Listen to me, I may know you or I may not know you. There is one thing I know for sure, beyond a shadow 

of a doubt, I know you are beautiful.

Now, I want to clarify a bit. This post is about believing that God has created you and you are beautiful. It has nothing to do with choosing to exercise or not exercise. It has nothing to do with diets or lifestyle changes. It’s about your heart and if you will choose to believe God when He says you are beautiful and you have all His love forever and ever, just the way you are.

How are you?...

I want to sincerely thank all who have asked me this question. Such an easy question to ask that holds so much weight. This question can be extremely difficult to answer at times and at other times very easy. It has plucked me from the deepest depths of sorrow, causing me to look at my circumstances and not be drowned by them. It has caused me to try to be fully honest about what I am feeling and not shy away from the sometimes ugly truth of my feelings. It has caused me to really see how God is working. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Please keep asking. Sometimes I may not want to answer as the truth is painful. Sometimes I won’t give details because there are some things better left unsaid. Sometimes I may really be okay. And sometimes I may let loose with all that is inside of me. Either way this question holds great significance for me. Please know that....so you know what you're getting into when you ask ;)

In the first entry I said I would be completely honest...so here goes.

How am I? Some days are easier than others. Each day is a new day and I really try not to go past that. Some days I don't want to start another day. I wake up and look over and see that I am still alone. My best friend is miles away. Our communication is limited. I haven't held his hand in since February 7th. The little things I took for granted are magnified in his absence and I am reminded of this daily. There are no words to describe how much I miss him.

Yet, however painful some days are, I am good because God is good. (And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28) His strength is what gets me up and moving daily. The promise of His care is what reassures me that I can get through this and I am not alone. As crazy as this may sound, I wouldn't change this. I do pray away the pain that can become unbearable, but deep down I hear His voice and I know this is just as it should be. I get to live the verses that I have read. "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-7, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9.  I get to be blanketed in God’s presence daily!


 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4.

Oh what a promise! I believe it and I will choose to live it. God is good, this is good, and it will be good. 

How am I?....Good, because God is good. 

Surrender

"He must become greater; I must become less" John 3:30

This last week this is the verse that has been ringing in my head. It's one that I have often become tied up in, lingering on the words "He...greater; I...less", letting them melt over me. I have asked God how do I do this? How do I make you greater and me less? Show me how, I need to do this right...I want to do this right! (I still have to fight off perfectionism)

God spoke to me through song, as He often does...

"Sit enthroned upon my heart, with everything You are
Come live Your life in me, reign supremely
I'm not just giving You my sin, but everything within
Come take control and make me holy"*

And then there were those words...

"reign supremely...
I'm not just giving you my sin, but everything within..."

That's how my daughter, that's how. Give me everything.

Sin, hurt, joy, anger, relief, sick, well, cranky, happy, sad, hope, anxiety, tears, laughter, worry, excitement.

EVERYTHING

Plans, hopes, dreams, goals,  burdens, thoughts, ideas. insecurities.

EVERYTHING

Until there is nothing left in me....until it has been poured out to the One who created it! The One who knows the beginning and the end of my story. The One who is writing my story. The One who loves me and wants to know me. The One who has given me a new life in Him!

And so another song is placed on my heart,

Make me broken
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make empty
So I can be filled
‘Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty

[Chorus:]
‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely*

Oh what an incredible journey it has been this last week. To lay it before the One who knows what to do with it! There is no better place! There is a freedom like none I have ever known. There is a hope I have never dared jump into. There is a peace and comfort I have never felt. Praise God!

I challenge you. I challenge you to give it all to the One who waits for you, loves you, wants you. The One who calls you by name, the One who knew you before you were formed and formed you. The One who will show you how glorious it is to make Him more and you less.


(*Sit Enthroned-Mary Vorrath/ Keep Making Me-Sidewalk Prophets)

Free Indeed...

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed" John 8:36

Never more than right in this moment have these life giving words set my soul on fire! I am free...free indeed! God is the great deliverer, mighty warrior, prince of peace, great counselor, my souls desire and He has delivered me from my pit of despair.

Last week was hard and felt dark. Just like our current weather, the sorrow poured down like rain...continuing to a threatening flood and I felt like I was drowning.  I called to the Lord and He answered.

I called to the Lord and He answered!

He always answers! Oh what a glorious truth!!!

The details of my life situation have not changed. But my God is an awesome God. He answers when I call, He will answer when you call.

He is the giver of life. He has given me life, He will give you life.

He is the great provider. He has provided for me, He will provide for you.

Offer it up....call it out...shout it out...yell it out if you want to, God can take it. Pour yourself out to a mighty God who wants to fill you with His perfect self.

I love you, Lord, my strength.

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;

    my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,

    my shield[b] and the horn[c] of my salvation, my stronghold.

I called to the Lord, who is worthy of praise,

and I have been saved from my enemies.

 

The cords of death entangled me;

    the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

 

The cords of the grave coiled around me;

    the snares of death confronted me.

In my distress I called to the Lord;

    I cried to my God for help.

From his temple he heard my voice;

    my cry came before him, into his ears.

 

The earth trembled and quaked,

    and the foundations of the mountains shook;

    they trembled because he was angry.

 

Smoke rose from his nostrils;

    consuming fire came from his mouth,

    burning coals blazed out of it.

 

He parted the heavens and came down;

    dark clouds were under his feet.

 

He mounted the cherubim and flew;

    he soared on the wings of the wind.

 

He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—

    the dark rain clouds of the sky.

 

Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,

    with hailstones and bolts of lightning.

 

The Lord thundered from heaven;

    the voice of the Most High resounded.[d]

 

He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy,

    with great bolts of lightning he routed them. 

The valleys of the sea were exposed

    and the foundations of the earth laid bare

at your rebuke, Lord,

    at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

He reached down from on high and took hold of me;

    he drew me out of deep waters.

 

He rescued me from my powerful enemy,

    from my foes, who were too strong for me.

 

They confronted me in the day of my disaster,

    but the Lord was my support.

 

He brought me out into a spacious place;

    he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Psalm 18:1-19

Excuse me Job...is there room for me?

I feel like the hits keep coming. My cries to God have been like this "my cheeks hurt God!" in reference to Luke 6:28-29a "bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek turn to them the other also" When will it end. I think of Job a lot, talk about one hit after another. While my situation is different from Job, the hits still hurt. Like a punch in the stomach. I have had the wind knocked out of me so many times I have lost count.

Now, I don't tell you this to pity me, I do tell you this to pray for me.

I want you to know that I love Jesus and life still gets the best of me. Pain is very real, heartache is very real, weakness is very real...BUT I know my God is very real.

So in a moment of utter pain and sorrow with uncontrollable sobbing I shouted out to My God, WHEN WILL THIS END?!

This is what He revealed.

I am God and I love you. I can fully understand your pain, hurt, anger. Be quiet...listen. Follow me. I am working....this is good and it will be good. Have hope. Cling to me and I will show you the way to go, you don't have to do this alone---I am with you, I want to take care of you.

And this is the song He played for me:

I've been doing all that I can
To hold it all together
Piece by piece.
I've been feeling like a failure,
Trying to be braver
Than I could ever be.
It's just not me.

So be my healer, be my comfort, be my peace.
Cause I can be broken, I can be needy,
Lord I need You now to be,
Be my God, so I can just be me.

I've been living like an orphan,
Trying to belong here,
But it's just not my home.
I've been holding on so tightly,
To all the things that I think
Could satisfy my soul.
But I'm letting go...

So be my father, my mighty warrior, be my king.
Cause I can be scattered, frail and shattered,
Lord I need You now to be,
Be my God, so I can just be me.

Cause I was lost in this dark world
Until I was finally found in You
So now I'm needing, desperately pleading
Oh Lord, be all to me

And be my savior, be my lifeline, won't You be my everything.
Cause I'm so tired of trying to be someone
I was never meant to be
Be my God
Please be my God
Be my God
So I can just be me
So I can just be me
I can just be me.--Laura Story

Testimony-His Story

I’m not really sure how to start this.  How do I convey to you how great, magnificent, incredible, powerful, mighty my God is?  How can I articulate to you how painful life is, when your thoughts, ideas, plans, hopes, and dreams are crushed beyond human repair?  How do I describe the sleepless nights, the anger, hurt, flood of tears because I/we couldn’t keep our life together; we ripped it apart and the casualties of marriage, home, finances, cars, and children were left in pieces.  How can I get it through to you that the life of a believer can go terribly wrong because of the believer?

“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” 1 Peter 5:8

I grew up in a Christian household; I was 9 when I invited Jesus into my heart.  You’d think that was grounds for a great life…you’d think that with that background I couldn’t possibly see my adult life in shambles….the foundation of my childhood was rooted in Christ. I was heavily involved in church. I didn’t do what wasn’t expected of a Christian. I genuinely loved Jesus and wanted to do all I could to keep Him happy...I needed to be the perfect Christian. Now I’m sure that there is a way to come up some psychological reason for this incessant quest for perfection, but let’s just call it what it is; my sin.

Perfectionism.

So I approached life within the confines of being perfect. I had erected my prison cell of perfection and there was no way I was breaking free. In church, school, friendships, work, appearance, extracurricular activities, etc , I needed to be perfect. If I wasn’t perfect what would people think? If I wasn’t perfect how would they know that the God I loved and served was perfect and wonderful? If I wasn’t perfect how was God going to use me?

That is a lot of I’s…I…I…I…

My desire for perfection became a tiring journey. One that I couldn’t keep up with no matter how hard I tried and believe me I tried.  Almost 3 years ago in May of 2011 it took its toll on my marriage, family, and life. There is not one area that has been untouched.

My world was in shambles.

An event came to pass that would slowly strip away every part of me that I had worked so hard to put together; every part that I had fashioned to be perfect.

Little by little I have lost almost everything; clothes, cars, money, my home, my husband; some things cannot be regained and some are gone for a time.

The pain is indescribable.

Yet in this horribly painful, long, tearful mess there is the most incredible beauty. There is a perfect God who loves me enough to meet me where I am, pick up the scattered pieces of the mess I made, and not put them together. Did you catch that….He is not going to put my scattered pieces together. My pieces are the ones that made this mess. My pieces are just what they say…mine…mine…mine.  The Author and Creator of life loves me so much that He will throw my pieces away and give me His new ones. Pieces that are perfect because He made them. Pieces that fit together because the Alpha and Omega, Beginning and End, knows exactly where they go! 

My God, is sovereign, the Supreme Authority, and He has called this season in my life to come to pass. He knew exactly what was going to happen, with God there are no surprises. Yes…He knew what was going to happen. Some might say then why didn’t He stop it? Oh my family, if He had stopped it I would still be who I was! I would be worse than I was. My loving Father did not want me to stay in that prison of perfection! I was bound by chains and He wants me to be free!

I wouldn’t change this journey, this moment for anything.

The pain, sorrow, sleepless nights, aching heart is real and some days I am worn out…but I wouldn’t change it.

I am brought to tears and my heart aches that my sin was in direct disobedience to God.

I am in awe of God’s great love for me. I have never experienced His words the way I have during this time. 

I have never felt His presence so strongly before. I cling to His every word and know I cannot do this life alone.

I am not alone for my God goes with me. He knows it all and it is and will be good.

^“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” Romans 8:28

Perfection is found in Him and only Him.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles”. Hebrews 12:1

Lighten up...

I'm not really sure where to begin with this. The idea of a blog...while I did make an attempt at one years ago...has always caused me pause. A flood of questions comes over me and I feel like I'm drowning in the worries of doing it wrong. What if I spell something incorrectly, what if I appear one way but I really meant it another way, what if my grammar is incorrect, etc. The list goes on and on in my incessant quest for this to be perfect.....well, I guess I better lighten up. Life isn't perfect. My grammar won't be perfect. More than likely I have already made a mistake in sentence structure. My use of (...) is quite excessive and I'm barely a few sentences in, I just like them I guess. I will do my best to type what I mean, but something is bound to be lost in translation. So I start this blog with a huge, flashing, neon light, sign that says lighten up...just lighten up. 

I begin this blog by saying I love Jesus and I am learning to love Him with all that I am and all that I have. I have been poured out in very painful ways. I am learning who I am in Him. I am learning who I am in the place He has put me. I am learning to find joy in all, especially when pain is so very real and suffocating. I am learning to lighten up. I am learning that this life is hard, but My God overcame and He will carry me through to overcome.

I come before you open and honest. Understanding that all details need not be divulged all at one time in order to be open and honest. My thoughts and feelings for that day, week, or month will tell the very real story of a woman who lost so much, yet found all she needed in the arms of her Savior. The story of a woman who struggles every day with the path that is before her, but knows that her God is good and this is and will be good.

I feel the need to write. To lay it at His feet. To share my testimony for God's glory. 

Maybe a few will read it, maybe quite a few will read it, I know my God knows it.