Testimony-His Story

I’m not really sure how to start this.  How do I convey to you how great, magnificent, incredible, powerful, mighty my God is?  How can I articulate to you how painful life is, when your thoughts, ideas, plans, hopes, and dreams are crushed beyond human repair?  How do I describe the sleepless nights, the anger, hurt, flood of tears because I/we couldn’t keep our life together; we ripped it apart and the casualties of marriage, home, finances, cars, and children were left in pieces.  How can I get it through to you that the life of a believer can go terribly wrong because of the believer?

“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” 1 Peter 5:8

I grew up in a Christian household; I was 9 when I invited Jesus into my heart.  You’d think that was grounds for a great life…you’d think that with that background I couldn’t possibly see my adult life in shambles….the foundation of my childhood was rooted in Christ. I was heavily involved in church. I didn’t do what wasn’t expected of a Christian. I genuinely loved Jesus and wanted to do all I could to keep Him happy...I needed to be the perfect Christian. Now I’m sure that there is a way to come up some psychological reason for this incessant quest for perfection, but let’s just call it what it is; my sin.

Perfectionism.

So I approached life within the confines of being perfect. I had erected my prison cell of perfection and there was no way I was breaking free. In church, school, friendships, work, appearance, extracurricular activities, etc , I needed to be perfect. If I wasn’t perfect what would people think? If I wasn’t perfect how would they know that the God I loved and served was perfect and wonderful? If I wasn’t perfect how was God going to use me?

That is a lot of I’s…I…I…I…

My desire for perfection became a tiring journey. One that I couldn’t keep up with no matter how hard I tried and believe me I tried.  Almost 3 years ago in May of 2011 it took its toll on my marriage, family, and life. There is not one area that has been untouched.

My world was in shambles.

An event came to pass that would slowly strip away every part of me that I had worked so hard to put together; every part that I had fashioned to be perfect.

Little by little I have lost almost everything; clothes, cars, money, my home, my husband; some things cannot be regained and some are gone for a time.

The pain is indescribable.

Yet in this horribly painful, long, tearful mess there is the most incredible beauty. There is a perfect God who loves me enough to meet me where I am, pick up the scattered pieces of the mess I made, and not put them together. Did you catch that….He is not going to put my scattered pieces together. My pieces are the ones that made this mess. My pieces are just what they say…mine…mine…mine.  The Author and Creator of life loves me so much that He will throw my pieces away and give me His new ones. Pieces that are perfect because He made them. Pieces that fit together because the Alpha and Omega, Beginning and End, knows exactly where they go! 

My God, is sovereign, the Supreme Authority, and He has called this season in my life to come to pass. He knew exactly what was going to happen, with God there are no surprises. Yes…He knew what was going to happen. Some might say then why didn’t He stop it? Oh my family, if He had stopped it I would still be who I was! I would be worse than I was. My loving Father did not want me to stay in that prison of perfection! I was bound by chains and He wants me to be free!

I wouldn’t change this journey, this moment for anything.

The pain, sorrow, sleepless nights, aching heart is real and some days I am worn out…but I wouldn’t change it.

I am brought to tears and my heart aches that my sin was in direct disobedience to God.

I am in awe of God’s great love for me. I have never experienced His words the way I have during this time. 

I have never felt His presence so strongly before. I cling to His every word and know I cannot do this life alone.

I am not alone for my God goes with me. He knows it all and it is and will be good.

^“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” Romans 8:28

Perfection is found in Him and only Him.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles”. Hebrews 12:1